What To Be For Halloween: Don’t Wear a Hackneyed Costume


 Cereal Killer

Walk around with a box of your cereal of choice. Make sure the cereal box is voluminous so that it lasts the whole day. Take a piece of paper and write, “Ask me what I am” and tape it to your chest. When people do ask you what you are, stick your hand in the box of cereal like a vicious mongrel; be sure to stare them in the eyes while doing so. Quickly take your fist full of cereal out of the box and shove it into your mouth. Crush the cereal barbarously in between your teeth. While chewing say, “I’m a cereal killer.” Walk away knowing you’ve blown someone’s mind.

Arithmetic Siri

For those of you in Math Studies SL or any math class for that matter that has learned about an arithmetic series, please enjoy this clever play on words. Dress up as an Apple product that has the capability to handle Siri, the thing that talks to you on your phone when no one else will. Cut out a picture of the Apple home button and stick it on your forehead (you won’t be an anatomically correct Apple product but it’s much better than people poking and prodding at your stomach.) Get a piece of paper that looks like the Siri ask screen. Stick it to your chest. Be prepared for an overflow of arithmetic questions. If it you get annoyed after a while and can’t handle anymore, just scream Syntax Error (wrong device but still.)


 Maroon 5

 Wear five clothing items and/or accessories, or anything for that matter that is maroon.

The Wanted

Get a large piece of white cardboard from your local Staples. It should be approximately two feet bigger than your face. When you bring home the condensed tree set it aside and boil a pot of coffee. Take the coffee and go all Jackson Pollock on the piece of cardboard. Wait for it to dry. Cut a square out in the center of the piece of cardboard, the square should ideally be the size of your face if not slightly bigger. Now you should have a big gaping polygonical hole in your piece of cardboard with a few inches of room on the top and a few more inches of room on the bottom. Grab a thick, black permanent marker and handwrite “WANTED” in Times New Roman font- no other font will work. On the bottom write where you are “wanted” and make sure to specifically state the reason- the wittier the better. Finally take a string and attach it to each side of the cardboard. Wear it around your head with the hole in front of your face. When people come up to you and ask you what you are say, “I’m The Wanted. Like the band.” Badum tss.

Arctic Monkeys

Grab a scarf, a hat and some gloves. Wear a fairly thick sweater that tells people you’re not risking getting hypothermia. Get four monkey masks. If you can’t find monkey masks print pictures off the internet and cut them according to your face; make sure to make eye and mouth holes so you don’t suffocate. Put the masks on each side of your head- your face, the back of your head, the side with the ear and the side with the other ear.  You could also tape the pictures to your face in the same fashion (staple it if you want to be extra daring). Finally put on your hat, scarf and gloves. When people say, “What are you,” grin and respond with “Arctic Monkeys.”

Ray Charles

Ray Charles

You don’t need much for this costume. A hand, a willing friend, two sheets of paper, scissors, tape and a permanent marker will suffice. Take the permanent marker and write “Road” on a sheet of paper. Take the tape, put it on the back of the paper and stick it onto your willing friend. Take the second piece of paper and cut a small rectangle, approximately the size of a label; or you could just get a label.  Write Jack on your label and stick in on your chest. Walk around with your willing friend everywhere. When people ask “What are you?” hit your willing friend and say, “Ray Charles.”

The Black Keys

This costume requires a lot of assembly, time, effort and determination. Go to any nearby Party City or Halloween Costume Shop or even Amazon and try to find a bunch of keys varying in size and shape; thirty to one hundred keys would be great. The color doesn’t really matter because you’re going to spray it with black spray paint. Try to find black chains as well to connect the keys. Find something that black would look good against- so basically anything. If you’re a girl (or a guy, no discrimination) you could just get a basic plain dress that you don’t mind destroying, it’ll make the creation process much easier. Take all the keys you bought and spray the black paint on them. Wait the paint to dry for about two hours. Watch a Dr. Who episode while you’re waiting. Grab a chain and wrap it around your dress to measure how much chain you actually need. Do this for a few chains (one chain will be glued on the bottom of the dress, the middle and the top.) When it is dry, grab a black chain and put the keys through it. Glue the chains with a hot glue gun or Krazy Glue and wait yet again for it to dry. “What are you?” “I’m the Black Keys, like the band.”

The Beatles

For this costume you have to be willing to give things away for free- get in the spirit of Halloween. Carry around a bag of candy with you wherever you go. Don’t cheap out either, it has to be good candy; do not be the guy that hands out cough drops. Get a piece of paper and write, “CANDY” on it and tape it to the bag to make it obvious. Get another piece of paper that says, “Ask me what I am” and tape it to your chest. When someone actually asks, say “I’m a Beatle” and hand them a piece of candy and say, “From Me to You.” Get it? No. All right.

Movie Characters/ Celebrities

Karen Smith

Get sticker rhinestones from wherever one is supposed to get sticker rhinestones. Go up to the mirrorand create the letter “K” with the rhinestones. You must be able to see the “K” in the mirror, if not you’ve done it wrong. Grab an orange. Walk around all day. What are you? I’m Karen Smith, duh.

Kim Kardashian

You can be the scariest person on the block with this costume. First of all, stuff a pillow down the back of your pants. It doesn’t fit? Tough. Find a picture of Kim. My favorite picture of her is when she’s crying, nothing says scary like an emotional rich diva who cries. Put on a ton of mascara, seriously a ton, just empty out the tube onto your eyelashes. Don’t blink. Whatever you do just don’t blink (please understand that reference). Wait for the mascara to dry before you blink or you’ll never see the light of day again. To quicken the process you could head bang or shake your head from side to side. This probably won’t do anything but let’s just pretend. Once your mascara is somewhat dry, take some eye drops and just dump the liquid onto your eyes, forget about one drop at a time. The mascara should be running down your face like the Nile River runs through Africa. Don’t wipe away anything. Let it drip off your face and soak into your skin. When people ask you what you are, make a crying face (tighten you eyes, lift your eyebrows the whole nine yards) and scream, “You don’t know my life.” They should automatically know, if not, just stick a label to your chest.