Anxiety is a word that I have forced myself to become familiar with, ever since the fourth grade when our anxious teacher anxiously announced that it would be a part of a spelling quiz, which I was no doubt anxious about. Anxiety has crept back into my life in the form of a slice of social media that illuminates the many screens our corneas crave to adhere to. To some seventh and eleventh Humanities/TOK teachers, Twitter can be described as “an extension of the id,” where the flurries of the mind are activated and unfiltered, making ideas and thoughts just as drinkable as the third floor water in BSGE (translation: their thoughts are incomprehensible). To others Twitter can be a sanctuary where the clinically insane come deposit some of their intangible humor and wit for others to maniacally snort at. To most, however, it a place that brings the sub-human species known as “celebrities” out into the public eye-phone. Slowly, Twitter is becoming a safe haven for young teens to express their dismay, concern, excitement, and sexual frustration in order to truly connect with other members of their wu tang clan. Now I can inform tens of people what part of my cycle I’m on, the answer to which is dry (good old laundry humor).
So what makes a great Twitter post? How can you save America by posting an idea summed up in 140 characters or less? Grab a wine glass and fill it with your fanciest melted down American cheese because we’re about to talk about etiquette but mostly humor.
The people of Twitter have to follow a certain protocol in order to be assimilated into the sphere of thought. I have taken my time to underline and thicken or bold the title. This is an example of post-modern expressionistic etiquette. Follow along, you really are making dreams come true pony boy.
-Do not tweet Kanye West. Tweeting Kanye West is just off limits to friends.
-Do not tweet unless you end your post with a hashtag of either “kanyewest” or “yeezus” or “kimkbbdd”
-Do not tweet.
-Disregard the last statement. That is not proper etiquette.
-Do we get what’s happening thus far?
-Oh cool, screenplay mode.
-Jack, my beloved German hound, you really do thrill me with yourwar time memories.
-None of this would be acceptable on Twitter.
Humor is far more significant than etiquette. I do not have a diploma that can certify that I have a working knowledge in this department but what I’ve gathered from the three tweets that I skimmed through is that it should relate to a social issue, like Kim Kardashian exposing her milkettes in a lowly publicized piece of art #kanyewest.
Here are topics that you should talk about that will guarantee you Rogen Brownie points.
3) Important broadcasted events such as debates amongst political candidates, speeches given by the President of the United States regarding a nuclear stance with a Middle Eastern country, etc.
4) But mostly red carpet events, teen choice awards, maybe even kids choice awards if you want to get extra cynical and sardonic.
5) Talk about puppies. It’s not humorous but talking about man’s favorite furry creature aside from himself, will help you gain many followers.
6) Make an account based on natural disasters and puppies, but do not mix the two. PETA might tweet you back though.
Who to Follow on Twitter?
My favorite human being who constantly accesses Twitter has to be record-setting Jeopardy winner Ken Jennings. He makes constant references to his work, wife, children, various forms of trivia and Downton Abbey; really anything he wants to; that is the point of Twitter. Here are some examples: