This Week’s News in Brief Reply

BSGE’s Football Team Remains Undefeated
BSGE’s Boys Football team recently completed another undefeated season. The team has never lost a single game in the 14 year history of BSGE. No member of the team could be found for comment.
Staff-Only Zip Line Under Construction
An unnamed source among the staff recently confirmed that teachers are secretly working on a zip line to take them from the 4th floor teacher’s room to a bar two blocks away.
Only 14% of BSGE Students Aware of Petting Zoo on the Roof
Despite outreach and awareness campaigns from the Petting Hands committee, most students remain unaware that there is a fully functioning petting zoo on the roof of our school’s building. The zoo recently added a female alpaca named Maxim. Admission is $5 for students but free on Fridays. Club president, Louise Belcher, said that members of Petting Hands remain optimistic that students would take better advantage of the zoo, especially with the scheduled arrival of a wallaby next fall.
Record Number of BSGE 8th Graders Leaving For Hogwarts
78% of this year’s current 8th grade are planning to leave BSGE and enroll in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for high school. When asked why he planned to leave BSGE, 8th grader Myrtle Warren simply stated that BSGE had “too many muggles.” Students eager to check the school out have been running into random brick walls at the 36th Street subway station looking for the right train.
Senior Selfie Exhibition At Local Art Studio
BSGE’s photography club is currently accepting student submitted selfies for its June selfie exhibition titled, “Look at Me! I Took This.”
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